Movie Reaction: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Joseph Gordon-Levitt

G.I. Joe Theme Song

Yo Joe!
He’ll fight for freedom wherever there is trouble,
G.I. Joe is there!G.I. Joe…
A Real American Hero
G.I. Joe is there.Its G.I. Joe against Cobra and Destro,
Fighting to save the day.
He never gives up, he’s always there,
Fighting for freedom over land and air.G.I. Joe…
A Real American Hero
G.I. Joe is there.

(spoken)
G.I. Joe is the codename for America’s daring, highly trained, special mission force.
Its purpose: To defend human freedom against Cobra, a ruthless, terrorist organization determined to rule the world.

He never gives up, he’ll stay till the fights won -
G.I. Joe will dare.

G.I. Joe…
A Real American Hero
G.I. Joe!

I posted the lyrics because I know you’re at least as dorky as me. And also because I want this song to stick in your head for the rest of the day.

If you asked me if I remembered the G.I. Joe cartoons of the 80′s, and if I was sitting down, I would’ve stood up and started singing the intro theme song, including the spoken narrative in the middle part of the song. This wouldn’t have been embarrassing to me at all. Kids now can sing their Spongebob Squarepants and Dora the Explorer themes when they get to be our age. We had Transformers, He-Man, and G.I. Joe (and Chip n’ Dale. I love those squirrels.) But I pity the kids who grow to be nerded up by Spongebob. Or Ben 10. (Though I don’t think Beavis and Butthead helped us out either.)

But enough about nerds and dorks (or as a friend of mine would say, “Enough about me.”) I’m still trying to wrap my head around the recent tragedies that have been happening lately — and I’m not talking about MJ’s and Tita Cory’s deaths. I am talking about the recent groanfests-for-movies Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, and the currently showing G.I. Joe movie.

Now, let me just go on record to say that I love blockbuster movies. I enjoyed Star Trek. Iron Man was golden. The first Transformers movie was passable (it was riveting to count how many times Shia Lebouf would shout “No no no!” in the movie. I counted 52. Someone even compiled it on video. I swear, sometimes you gotta do stuff like this at the movies.) They’re fun, fast-paced, and keep you occupied for a good couple hours. And some of the really good ones stand out because there’ll be something in the movie you’ll rehash or reenact with your friends for a good long time, maybe even some years down the road. Yes Man had the Jumper scene. The 40-Year-Old Virgin had the waxing scene. The Dark Knight had The Joker. Transformers had Megan Fox — and we can always talk about her. In fact, I can ditch this article and talk about her right now…

There’s a reason why I put up the lyrics of the G.I. Joe theme song up there — because I know that most of the people my age can relate to this cartoon, and usually it’s the theme song that does it. And it drives home the point of this article — the cartoon is more than 20 years old, and we can still remember the theme song. But G.I. Joe the Movie? I’m 99% sure there’s not a whole lot to remember there.I’m sitting here trying to recall one good thing about the movie, just one moment that stood out that would’ve defined the movie as rewatchable because of that scene alone, and I’ve sat here for the last 54 minutes and came up with nothing. I just ended up humming the theme song over and over in my head.

I am open for argument right here. Where shall we start? The accelerator suits? The female leads in tight black outfits? Snake Eye’s creepy mask with pouty lips chiseled in? (This ranks right up there with George Clooney’s Bat Nipples.)

George Clooney's blue eyes cannot avert our attention enough from those rubber nubbins.

Channing Tatum’s “I’m already unhappy!” face? (When will he ever come up with a different facial expression? Is Keanu Reeves the actor he most looks up to?) Tyrese Gibson for the comedy relief (Oh wait, that was Marlon Wayans! I got my token black guys all confused.) Is there anything original about this movie at all? They should have just changed the movie title to G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Stereotypes so that we wouldn’t get all confused. (Though in the movie’s defense, the cartoon was guilty of this same problem. In fact, those 80s cartoons were filled with all kinds of innuendo and social propaganda.)

But then again, maybe I was approaching this with totally unfair expectations. But maybe I have a right to them because this was one of the definitive good-guy/bad-guy cartoons of my generation. It helped put a lot of things in perspective with regards to war and crime, and the difference between bad and good, as opposed to watching the news, which was of course too complex for 7-year olds. These cartoons made us understand that there were bad people around and that bad things happen, but at the end of the day, the good guys always come out on top.

As the movie wrapped up, that’s still the message we essentially get, albeit wrapped in a very weak package embellished with car crashes and the destruction of the Eiffel Tower (It had it coming. They’ll be blowing up the rest of the world’s landmarks in the upcoming disaster movie 2012). Maybe a little more effort should have been shown to please us Gen-Xers rather than today’s teenagers. I noticed a lot of people in the theater were enjoying the movie. I could have gotten a haircut instead during that time and at least felt good about it after.

Though there is one single small victory for the movie that I enjoyed for the entirely wrong reasons — SPOILER ALERT — I got to see Joseph Gordon Levitt amuse with his Rex Ryan/The Doctor/Cobra Commander (with the James Earl Jones evil voice) roles. I totally bought into his role as the awkward Rex Ryan, but his villain portrayals reminded me of Dr. Evil, and that whole time I was totally waiting for him to put his pinkie finger to the corner of his mouth. Needless to say, I enjoyed his scenes.

Maybe I should have watched Public Enemies instead.

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